laramie

You know that state of mind when you tell yourself that nothing's worthwhile and nobody cares about you, and it's never going to be any different?

That hasn't been happening for me nearly as often these days as it used to. And not because there hasn't been anything to complain of in my life. I went through that whole bankruptcy/foreclosure/losing my home business two years ago, and more recently the loss of one of my closest friends. I'm a middle aged, overweight lady living alone with her two cats (a depressing thought), but I'm a MAOLLAWHTC who's got a zillion interests, is involved with her community(ies), gets out and about, participates in activities, volunteers as a Big Sister and generally enjoys her life.

So I've been thinking about the things that keep me on an even keel. One thing that helps is that I demand honesty from myself. If I'm telling myself that nothing is worthwhile I know that's hardly The Truth. It's a judgement relative to my state of mind.

For everything that sucks in life I can name more things that I'd hate to lose. (If I'm feeling too negative to admit to being grateful for anything, I can generally admit that it would suck worse to lose this or that: say my sight, or the use of my limbs. Those things I'd hate to lose are worthwhile to me even if my mood leads me to deny it.)

If I'm telling myself that nobody cares about me I can ask myself exactly what is it that I'm doing to show the people in my life that I care about them? This is usually embarrassing. If people were to go by how demonstrative I am they might conclude that I don't care, when the fact is that the people in my life matter to me a whole lot more than I let on. It seems that much of what I do comes down to wanting to be part of a community, wanting to be recognized, or to communicate, or to connect with or understand others. I'm just embarrassed by mushy stuff.

When I remember this, it helps put my feelings of 'nobody cares' into perspective. Maybe other people aren't any better at showing how much they care than I am. Maybe other people are as limited as I am in the time and energy they have for seeking out each other's company, or being there in ways that count. Or maybe they're as moody and prickly and defensive. If I'm not holding others to a standard higher than I can meet myself, then I have to admit that other people, too, may care more than I know.

Then we come to the exercises. There are many that help. Here are a few of my favorites:

Walking

Heart Chakra meditation: Breath into your heart, breathe out. As your breath flows out from your heart imagine that you are a fountain of love and that love is flowing out from you. Breathe in, and feel the love flowing in again. Out: you love, In: you are loved.

Counting your blessings. Honest to Ghu; this works. If you want to be realistic and acknowledge the crap in your life, for every item of crap list five to ten good things. There are five to ten good things to be listed in this way. (Just think of all the people involved in bringing you all the things you have, and need, and use: the mail delivery person, the people who make computers, and software, and electricity, and roads, and run the plumbing - and the things that are there regardless of people: open sky and fresh air, rain and wind and trees. If these things bring to mind thoughts of pollution and the coming heat death of the planet remember all the people who know that, and care about it, and are trying to make it better. Also: try not to think about the current administration. :)